Hello lovely people - I have been radio silent on my blog for a little bit now just due to a busy schedule - but am happy to be sitting down to write right now.
Choosing to write about something that I still struggle with everyday; Balance and recovery. After having a season of life where I did not have the healthiest relationship with food and exercise, but had the 'image' I wanted reflecting back in the mirror, it's a struggle. Now, the opposite phenomenon happens to me, where I have a balanced and healthy relationship (for the most part) with food and exercise, but when I look in the mirror - there is not a single thing I like about myself.
This isn't to throw myself a pity party, but rather to acknowledge that things are hard. While I've taken so long to get to a place today where I no longer internally freak out about going out to eat, it's hard when there's a voice in the back of my mind that will continuously criticize myself in every aspect. Part of that is this idea of perfectionism/OCD, and another part is this idea of recovery. What exactly does recovery look like?
Before I was 'weight restored' I had this idea that recovery looked like maintaining an unhealthy weight, and being able to have a healthy relationship with food. Now, I'm not sure that I am fully recovered, because I have other issues that I'm facing. Is being fully recovered having the ability to be able to like your internal self, external self, feel like you have a healthy relationship with exercise/food? Is being fully recovered only limited to 'weight restored?' Thoughts that are now running through my head.
The fun thing about this journey, is it's different for everyone. My situation is different than the persons next to me, so this idea of recovery is unique to the individual. Ideally, I'd like to get to a place where I feel confident in my body, and also confident with where I am in terms of a balanced relationship with everything.
Going back to this idea of balance... I was at a women's conference last week and one of the panels was all about balancing life. Is it possible to be 'balanced?' Their answer was no, and that balance didn't exist. With this, I'd probably have to agree. There are seasons of life where more is required of us, and seasons of life where less is required of us. Now, I'm not sure if this is an issue with anybody else, but sometimes I tell myself this idea of 'seasons of life', but in doing so, I create seasons where I am constantly going , since there is this illusion of what will come in the future, this illusion of a 'break.'
My goal for the next sixth months (or however long) is to shorten the seasons. Instead of seeing seasons as these periods of indefinite time, maybe a 'season' is only a month, or only a week. With shortened seasons, I can spend time prioritizing different things. Being a college student, finals are a season where I'll have to prioritize studying, and studying a lot. But maybe next week, I can prioritize rest, and the next week I can prioritize reading. I so commonly find myself sitting tense, holding my breath, feeling stressed, so I think for this next season my biggest prioritization will be to breathe, find joy, and relax. Because at the end of the day, life is not that deep. Wether or not I am 90 pounds, or 140 pounds, does not impact my worth as a person. Wether or not I see myself as 'fully recovered' will not fix my problems, but rather prioritizing different things that will foster a balanced lifestyle, that's what creates an image of recover(ed) for me.
Hope you all enjoyed this ramble if you chose to read it, I love you.
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