I've spent the last couple of days struggling with the idea that.... maybe... I'm a hypocrite? Not in a negative way, so please let me elaborate.
Since losing one of my friends, speaking out about mental health has become such a great importance to me. The thought of losing another person I know to suicide puts a lump in my throat. So I share, and continue to share, and try to smile, and work to be okay.
Freshman year of college I went through a tough period of life, struggling through both depression/suicidal ideations as well as an eating disorder that felt all consuming. Thankfully, I was able to get the help I needed at the time, and to be able to grow in the struggle and become a stronger person. But here I am, sitting and writing this blog post in my senior year of college, feeling the same depression and ideations that I had felt years ago. I spoke with my mom earlier this morning about why I was feeling so hypocritcal. Can I continue to speak out and try to increase awareness about the issues that still plague so many individuals, if I myself am not okay? It makes me feel like a fraud, trying to help other people and support them on their journey only to go and continue to have the same depressive episodes that I've seemingly had for years. On top of this, I feel guilty. I feel guilty for having already used my 'I need help' card, and needing to lean on my support systems once more. Why should those around me be plagued with the dark cloud that seems to loom over me? Yet I know that there's a certain beauty that comes in struggling, and we don't grow when everything is rainbows and sunshine. So just as I can't wish away the joyful moments of life, I also can't bring myself to wish away the sorrow.
I guess in saying all of this, it serves as not only a reminder to both myself and hopefully to you, that while we all struggle, it's the conversations that are so important to remind ourselves that there is more than what's in this moment. That life will continue and ultimately work out.
LOL. (Lots of love).
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